“Beyond Your Tunnel Vision Reality Fades Like Shadows Into The Night”
Those of you that have read my first published novel, Get Clean, will know that I’ve had a head-on collision with drink and drugs that for a while there, looked like getting the better of me. It didn’t, thankfully, but it is the sort of thing that doesn’t slip the memory once it has happened, which I’ll assert is a good thing.
What it also does do, experiencing something like the mess I put myself in, is help you to understand others who have been in/are in similar situations themselves; I can relate. So when I stumbled across the Dreams Dissolve blog, and read what a young woman by the name of Crystal had been writing, I knew she was not only talking from experience, but from the heart, and also the darkest parts of the mind.
I asked her if I could republish one of her pieces on my blog and she said yes. So, without further ado…
Physical, emotional, and mental anguish you are preparing to make your escape. You say it’s going to be the last time because it has finally taken everything from you. It’s left you empty, cold, careless, selfish, incapable, and scared. You know your time is running out, and your options are minimizing by the second, if you don’t stop now there is only one outcome; death. So you pause, you think to yourself, is it worth it? I’ve now lost almost everything, but I still have hope. But will hope be enough to get you through the night? You just did your last shot of dope so you’re nice and comfortable in that warm blanket of that blissful high you long for. At this moment, you are positive, you are ready, you are strong, and you tell yourself it won’t be that hard. You make your final decision and go home ready for the battle your body is about to fight.Waiting for your high to ware off is eating at your mind. It’s almost like waiting for a car accident to happen. You already feel helpless and it hasn’t even begun. You try to prepare yourself the best you can, you’ve taken Advil, you’ve got a fan, you’ve got a blanket, and you’ve got your garbage bin beside your bed.
Breathe, breathe, deep breaths. You think it has to get worse before it gets better; right?
You know drugs have a hold over the body, but the body has a hold over the drugs too. The need…the desire…the demand. The chemistry. You are now a hostage, your body and mind are screaming in every way possible. Your temperature is raging from hot to cold in the matter of seconds; your limbs are burning intensely; you are sweating profusely, yet shivering; your muscles feel as if they have been lit with a match; your stomach is turning and knotting; your skin is itching like you have been bitten by thousands of mosquitoes; your eyes and nose are watering uncontrollably; your head is throbbing, pounding; your sneezing and yawning constantly. So much pain, physically, mentally, emotionally.
Your body is officially holding you ransom. If you don’t give it what it wants it will make you sick, it will hurt you, it will kill you.
Your body screams hour upon hour, never giving you a moments rest, until finally you are so exhausted you fall into a nightmarish sleep.
You eventually make it through a night and it still hasn’t let up. So you tell yourself; I’ll just use one more time, one more time and that’s it.
If you are an addict, have been, or know someone who is or was, then you’ll be interested in reading more of what Crystal has to say on her website here. She scribes very well and her blog posts pack a punch of reality. Even if you have no experience of drugs (good for you), I recommend giving her innermost thoughts and feelings a little screen time, as there aren’t many who speak as honestly and openly as she does; it is a breath of fresh air, and also reassuring to know that behind problems with drink and drugs, there are people who think, feel, care… and have talent.