Mini Excerpt – Extremely England

Audrey wasn’t one for reading, but she did look at a lot of the pictures of Edwin. He’d been photographed with Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden and Tony Blair, some of the most hated men on the planet, even after they had all died. Of course, Mr Blair’s body was now being used by a power-hungry alien who travelled the globe, talking nonsense and charging large fees for doing fuck-all good in the world.

Scrolling down the page, Audrey’s eyes widened.

‘Gotcha,’ she said, as she moves the cursor and chooses the option to print.

She grabbed her bag and coat and made her way over to the printer in the middle of the large office area. As usual, the printer wasn’t working as it should be, and the normal coloured lights were flashing to say it needed attention.

Suddenly, a newspaper dropped onto the printer in front of her. She read the headline, ‘Saint or Sinner?’ and looked at the picture of her husband being sexually violated by an incredibly obese whore.

‘I’m sorry you had to see that,’ said Jordan, the newspaper’s agony aunt, who had just shown it to her.

‘This can’t be right,’ said Audrey.

Tears were welling up in her eyes, and for a moment, she turned to the glamour model turned life advisor and thought about asking for a hug, but remembered that Jordan was a cold-hearted, calculated bitch who couldn’t be trusted.

‘It’s hard, I know,’ said Jordan, ‘All policemen are pigs. Why not try a footballer, pop-star, cage fighter or reality television wannabe?’

Audrey couldn’t listen to anymore of Jordan’s bullshit so picked up the paper and ran. She ran through the office, ran through the door and down the steps and as far away from the relationship advice from Jordan as quickly as possible.


I know there isn’t enough to judge the book on, but if you have any comments on the above, please, don’t be shy.

This story is meant to be fun, and I understand the humour won’t be to everyone’s taste, but feel free to comment – This is far from the finished article so any tips/advice/praise would be appreciated.



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